By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
