I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
