Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize