life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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