dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
