i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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