if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
