I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
