not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize