I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
