No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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