it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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