explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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