You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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