If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
