the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sorry about my life...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
