Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
