Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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