I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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