Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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