so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
