i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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