totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
