I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
