Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
3 2 1 whiskey
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
