I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
