when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
