How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
