I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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