it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
