Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
