So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
