I think my fart just growled at me.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
