Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
high people should be assigned attendants
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
