I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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