i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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