We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Found your dick twin last night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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