I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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