Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
