How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
