The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
