Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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