listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
