I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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