I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
