Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize