shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
