Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
