Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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