you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
