ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize