I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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