I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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