Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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