i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
