Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
