I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
