My underwear smells like fireworks.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
